Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
