You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
