The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
