The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
