She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
