Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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