oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
