She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
