i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
