Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
