dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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