She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
