i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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