I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
His hands were made for my vagina.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
