new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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