Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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