So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
