Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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