You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
