I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
