woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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