life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
