I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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