he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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