The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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