Can i not drive my cunt home
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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