my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
