I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
