I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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