I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
