I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
