I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
