Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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