You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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