My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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