Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
