If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
