dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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