I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
