someone threw a dead crab at me
Soap is not a condiment
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
