69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
