I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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