Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
