I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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