I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
