I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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