My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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