**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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