you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
