I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
tell me about the eggs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
